“You have permission…”.
The last few weeks have been a much needed reset for me. Resting in that reset was freeing to my surprise. I didn’t, and usually don’t, consider myself to be bound but that day I felt free.
As I move through my life I intend to continually cultivate a life of liberation for myself in all things and in all spaces. Even the grocery store. Running to the store usually requires a quick mirror check and adjustment. Are my edges swooped? Are my earrings giving what they need to give with this hair? Do I need to stretch my hair? Hit it with some sheen? Anything??
Today I decided there would be an adjustment.
I looked at myself and decided that the world was going to get this TWA today. (Teenie Weenie Afro by the way). This time I stood there in a
ppreciation of my tight then loose then tight again curls. I was appreciative of my 4c hair in all of its shrinkage and ashen brown-ness. Then I saw it. A small smile.
The right side of my mouth curled up into a satisfactory smirk sending on my way. A quick turn on my heel and a flicking of a light cemented my decision. Content to just…be. No part to make my 'fro look more “presentable”. No earrings to make me look more feminine. No slayed edges to be more “polished”. I was simply me. It was a simultaneous permission granted and a permission received in one moment. I s
lid on my large black aviator shades, threw on some gloss and was off. My tee was gray, my shorts were olive and my liberation was fresh. As I drove to the store I marveled at the need for permission to be granted. I turned on my music, rolled down my windows and took the
long way to the store.
Whose permission do I need and why do I need it? I asked myself as I departed my car, headphones in tow. As I entered the store my mind meandered…running suicides between this question and the items I needed for dinner. As I held both the responsibility to grab those items and a resolution for my inquiry …my thoughts swirled in duality. Before I knew it my mind produced a memory related to my inquiry.
I was at work a few weeks ago as a result of burning the candle a
t both ends. I was beyond worn out. Anxiety had a new friend at the sleepover: Insomnia. It was back with a vengeance. Earlier this month I was going days without sleep in a work week. So much so when I got 4 hours of sleep I was elated. Even with that elation I knew it wasn’t enough. I was still tired…soul tired. My manager said to me, “you have permission to take off to take care of yourself”. She continued to affirm this but my eyes began to fill. My eyes are big so they held those tears but not for long. The stinging followed causing my eyes to spill their contents. My face was wet and my burden was gone! Here I am having an epiphan
y with this memory next to the deli. My stroll came to a halt recalling this moment.
“You have permission…” echoes in my head. I knew that. I knew I had permission. As a life coach I say it all the time, in one form or another. Yet here I am not even realizing that I had not given myself that permission. It made me wonder why? Why had I sat my needs aside to show up to meetings I was too tired to attend? Why was I feeling like a failure to have to take time off to cultivate wholeness? That very dichotomy flies in the face of everything that I believed. When I first started this job I would decline things to
ensure that I was not taking on more than I could bare…and now? I declined my needs so that I could be present. To be a team player.
I declined my needs at home because I wanted to be a superwoman. I declined my needs with my other responsibilities, jobs and relationships because I wanted to be the help that I needed at other times in my life. I stood there in that moment and repented. I repented to God for thinking I had to be there for the best outcome to occur. I repented for slipping in my selfcare to the point that I didn’t even see I was in desperate need of it.
In my coaching I often remind my clients that they are the first person God entrusted them to take care of. In fact, I often ask them, “what kind of caretaker
are you… to you”? Here I am needing to pick up the reins for my own self-care journey. It started with the decision to come into agreement with what my manager said.
I concurred.
Deanna, you have permission to take care of you.
At this moment I pray that you hear the permission being granted to you. If you don’t have a manager that cares enough to say that to you please allow me to say it.
Mom… you have permission to take care of you.
Daughter/son… you have permission to take care of you.
Friend… you have permission to take care of you.
Employee… you have permission to take care of you.
I pray that you come into agreement with that permission to be liberated. If you fall at it, start it again the next day. WE have to be intentional about US. I will do this every day. I will grant myself permission to be free enough to walk in wholeness.
My stride through the grocery store felt lighter after that affirmation. I will resume being intentional about meeting needs. I encourage you to be intentional about yours.
After all, those aviator glasses will not wear themselves.
Liberation and permission to all.
Yours in resilience,
D.